THE BAGS GOTTA GO!
- Lucrecia Slater
- Mar 17, 2017
- 4 min read
(originally written April 21, 2015 by Lucrecia Slater)
I was exposed to sexual content at an early age. I was verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abused by some of the adults in my life. My earliest memory of being called stupid, ugly, and a no good was probably around the age of 6 or 7. Nothing I did was ever good enough. The attention I craved, I didn't get because the people around me didn't know how to give it. As I grew up, I drifted in and out of relationships with men, desperately seeking someone to love me the way I deeply craved.
I allowed men to use me because I wanted that affection. And in my warped thinking, sex was how I received and perceived affection. On the inside, I collected tons of baggage and strongholds that were killing me. I lived in the realm of deep fear of rejection. It was difficult to think of myself in any other way other than what was already imprinted in my soul...that I was ugly, stupid and good for nothing.
I grew up into a dysfunctional young woman. I became a mom at 19. I had only known the young man, who was as equally dysfunctional as I was, for 3 months. I was scared to death. How could I raise this child when I didn't know how to a functioning human being myself? I went back and forth with the idea of aborting the child. But something just wouldn't allow me to do it (now I know that something was the Holy Spirit). So, I gave birth to a little girl.
I discovered a love for her that was deeper than I had ever felt! I wanted to protect her from everything I had ever experienced in my life. Throughout me raising her, I slipped up and turned deeply back into sin and essentially exposed her to some of my baggage. I was in the Army. I was married to my daughter’s father. A broken woman, wife, mother, soldier, with a ton of baggage that was starting to wear me down.
Years later, I divorced my daughter's father. Went into a deep depression after a damaging decision on my part, and nearly lost everything. I had always had a working knowledge of God because I grew up in church. But this God I knew, I thought was so, so far away from me...and that He would never come to my rescue. Why would He let me go through all of this?
I remember being in my apartment in 2010 crying out to Him. I was desperate! I was a single mom, wrestling with demons that seemed to produce more chaos after every waking breath, trying to uphold this façade because I had to put my best foot forward, right? But all the while, I was caving under the weight of the bags.
And while I thought God would have nothing to do with me, He showed His love for me through a therapist I ended up going to after I enrolled myself into a mental health program. I exposed every bag to her, going through boxes of tissue at almost every session. Not only did He answer me through her, but let me know He was always listening! His love overwhelmed me but I still fought. It felt foreign to be loved like this so I kept running. Yep, I kept running, even after I put all my bones out there, I kept running. Until 2013, when I couldn't run anymore. God continue to pursue my heart and I gave it to Him. I hope He knew what He was in for, lol!
I presented Him with all of my baggage and I’m discovering there's more baggage I have to give to Him. In my humility and great awe, I constantly humbly bow down to my Father and surrender all to Him. I am here to tell you IT IS BECAUSE OF MY FATHER, GOD AND ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM that I am even able to sit at this computer and confidently share a part of my story.
God has plans for those bags. He says for us to come to Him all who are weary and heavy burdened and He will give us rest (Matthew 11:28). He wants to share in our struggle. Better yet, He wants to take ON our struggle. We all have luggage, baggage, storage rooms full of toxic mess. No matter what decisions we made in life, I encourage you to know that God knows and He loves you too much to let you walk out the rest of your life carrying those things. Allow Him to take over those things that weigh you down so you can begin again in Him! I pray my story encourages you because our story is really a part of HIS-STORY! Be blessed!!
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